Only way to beat Thanos is to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009— Chief (@ChiefinNtweetin) December 8, 2018
Anxiety: get ready to fight— No Dana only Yuul (@bimboscully) December 8, 2018
Anxiety: idk dude just get ready to fight
Me: fight what
Anxiety: just get ready
World was way better when jocks ran it. Dorks run it now and are way more evil. A jock might push you into a locker. A dork invents an app that makes you hate yourself when you post on it or see other people's posts on it— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) December 8, 2018
Grew up in a dead-end town,— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 10, 2018
Working so hard, no foolin' 'round,
Got myself a Broadway show,
Paying for my truck with my Broadway show
- Bruce Springsteen
If Offset can forgive Cardi B for catching him cheating, I think we all can forgive someone today.— - (@Geespn) December 9, 2018
BREAKING: Friendly-fire skirmishes spotted in this year's "War on Christmas." pic.twitter.com/oIo8KHXyAC— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) December 9, 2018
Her: I want a divorce— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 9, 2018
Me: oh no
Gondolier: we have 40 minutes left
I'm not worried about trump because sooner or later he's going to get a blowjob and we know that's when america will put its foot down— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 10, 2018
I'm at a cafe in London. A man locked himself in the bathroom, refused to come out & got into a yelling match with an employee. When he was finally forced out, I was worried about dying. Then I remembered EVERYONE DOES NOT HAVE A GUN HERE...so I went back to what I was reading.— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) December 10, 2018
Is this just for his lawyers https://t.co/ONvntIiu3U— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 11, 2018
lmao almost got evicted bc of this pic.twitter.com/LDtBDjFHpt— Kellen (@captainkalvis) December 11, 2018
me at the grocery store believing that i was only gonna pick up a few items and refusing to grab a cart pic.twitter.com/qzzN6liUQB— james (@phan1om_) December 11, 2018
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually— Chase (@mrmakethings) December 11, 2018
You're only allowed to call it a Monster Energy Drink if it comes from the Monster Energy region of France— Jamesgle Bells (@cashbonez) December 11, 2018
i am never playing dodgeball against LeBron ever pic.twitter.com/Gxwy27UreH— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 11, 2018
"We need to find a new man to host!"— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) December 11, 2018
"How about a woman?"
"But can we find a man who isn't homophobic?"
"What about an LGBTQ..."
"Maybe no host?"
"But I think there's a woman or an LGBTQ comic who would be grea..."
"It's impossible to find the right straight man! No host it is!" https://t.co/uzBSUToy18
I actually think the Sonic poster looks fine, but I'm a bit worried by the tagline pic.twitter.com/bBGlcwW9qt— a very pixelated boat christmas (@pixelatedboat) December 12, 2018
Good on Sting for helping out https://t.co/nwypdnRfQq— Chris Steller (@chris_steller) December 12, 2018
This tweet may have aged more poorly than any tweet in human history pic.twitter.com/dojbUoVWpz— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 12, 2018
Been gettin' razzed for using expression, "PIN number." Apparently, "number" is redundant. All I know is I need it for the ATM machine. https://t.co/iAw6JXhwK0— Brian Regan (@BrianReganComic) December 13, 2018
do you guys think i can use my white privilege to kill him and get away with it https://t.co/4FdoGeiAzR— 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 ⓥ (@glowyaquarius) December 12, 2018
So somebody did a Photoshop of Bernie as Mike Pence (and I don't know who) but it was TOTAL GOLD. So of course I had to turn it into a video.— Paul Lee Ticks (@PaulLeeTicks) December 13, 2018
Enjoy ;) pic.twitter.com/Kyb95lLz77
What even is the point of Jason Momoa's bodyguards pic.twitter.com/cL1o8QG5vS— Sarah (@Cinesnark) December 13, 2018
UGH WHAT WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES?— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) December 13, 2018
AS PART OF SOME SORT OF INSEPARABLE FAMILIAL UNIT?
OFTEN REMAINING MONOGAMOUS FOR LIFE?
LEARNING EARLY ON WHAT IT MEANS TO WATCH THE LIFE LEAVE A CREATURE'S EYES, KNOWING IT HAD TO BE THEM OR YOU?
ANYWAY PLEASE PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE SINK
We do judge Roman Polanski, you moron. It's the reason he won't set foot on U.S. soil. https://t.co/7cKIqZRJfk— Jamal Igle, son of Mogh! (@JAMALIGLE) December 13, 2018
I've known @CaslerNoel for years. He has always been super professional and discreet. I'm so glad he's decided to reveal this important information about Trump. Thank you Noel, I know this isn't easy. pic.twitter.com/iZF5P9njMe— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) December 14, 2018
ADDERALL! https://t.co/qn7G6UZPpz— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) December 13, 2018
Mickey Rourke looks like a regular sized Verne Troyer and Axl is a young Mama Fratelli in The Goonies. pic.twitter.com/KiACIuCNZP— Zedlacher (@zedlacher) December 13, 2018
I wish we could hold our extremely rapey current president to the same standards as we're holding a vaguely rapey old Christmas song.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 14, 2018
[bad Italian accent] https://t.co/QYHjRm0CV4— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) December 14, 2018
What about the fact that you're awkward and ineffectual and people try to avoid you when you approach https://t.co/T2QySxfXpv— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) December 14, 2018