This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 20, 2022

May 13
fried beans:
— blake (@blakeslun) May 13, 2022
inventor of refried beans: again.
— MythoAmerica (@MythoAmerica) May 14, 2022
That time Willem Dafoe wanted to talk about film festivals with Robert Pattinson but Rob had other things on his mind pic.twitter.com/c3x3sYKHI4
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) May 13, 2022
all i did was tell my dad i'm anaemic 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/bZeNvmpFpI
— Chandini 🌙❤️🔥 (@chxndii) May 13, 2022
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I "knew" as a baby pic.twitter.com/cZWa4mGTGr
— 𝐒𝐢𝐦 ひ (@WhoTFissim) May 13, 2022
I recently heard "Crypto is Mary Kay for men"
— Dr. Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) May 14, 2022
what's the worst land acknowledgement you've ever seen? i don't know that anything will ever top this: pic.twitter.com/Yw8pWzEdK5
— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) May 13, 2022
Elon Musk: Think I might swim to Antarctica. 😎
— Tom Coombe (@CalmTomb) May 13, 2022
Normal folks: Obviously he's not going to do this.
News: What Musk's 9000 Mile Swim Could Mean…
NF: C'mon, he's not going to do it!
Acolytes: Um, he runs a trillion dollar company. I think he knows a little about determination
Modern Kendrick: I regret egregious slurs for man's on mans // it is of utmost importance we platform trans
— worst guy you know (@himbodotgov) May 13, 2022
Modern Kanye: My Divorce Justifies The Armenian Genocide // I Am Going To Give Pete Davidson Cyanide
Have you heard Fleetwood Mac though pic.twitter.com/Kf6yx6iyse
— Kristin Chirico (@lolacoaster) May 14, 2022
May 14
FELLAS????? pic.twitter.com/sUlEwrtCef
— KELGORE (@KelgoreTrout) May 14, 2022
"I fill her up, BALLOONS"
— father (@father) May 14, 2022
rap almost didn't survive the 2010s
Now this is a HIPAA violation! pic.twitter.com/xFIEIivkAg
— key lolo (@KiaSpeaks) May 14, 2022
— shirts that go hard (@shirtsthtgohard) May 15, 2022
What's wrong babe? You've hardly touched your jabbacado toast. pic.twitter.com/U3wbRzTBx8
— Nicola J. (@formerlygolden) May 14, 2022
Lmao I ain't shit https://t.co/JZqlN9D3WT
— Damian Lillard (@Dame_Lillard) May 15, 2022
95% of American mass shooters: "I am a nazi and I do this because I want to ethnically cleanse the world. Here is my manifesto where I detail all of my nazi beliefs."
— Housing 4 All is Hot (@ahouse4all) May 14, 2022
The media: The mentally ill lone wolf had a rough life. No one wanted to be his friend. 🥺 👉👈
— clay ⛷ (@bitchrespecter) May 14, 2022
only a weirdo would be mad at dis rule tbh https://t.co/Z8c7cMqlL7
— Himothee Chalamet (@altoidsrevenge) May 14, 2022
May 15
Gitmo couldn't get me to admit this pic.twitter.com/sdtHwqM43e
— Joe Kassabian (@jkass99) May 16, 2022
By some distance the best park bench memorial I've ever encountered. pic.twitter.com/pvr6auWSU3
— James Vaughan (@EquusontheBuses) May 15, 2022
Every comedian in the world was acting like a slap was the worst thing a person could do a few weeks ago but skits about domestic abuse are apparently fine. https://t.co/uxAeOvJ6J9
— Danielle (@danielleloucamp) May 15, 2022
"I was born in 2007" sounds fake af nobody is born that late bro
— Noah ✵ (@noahdonotcare) May 16, 2022
This is the greatest email I've ever received pic.twitter.com/bb1Abn387Y
— Pheenoh (@pheenoh) May 15, 2022
Thinking about how my sister's college friend was nicknamed "Burgers" cause one time he talked about grilling burgers too enthusiastically. You have to be careful
— Erin Somers (@SomersErin) May 15, 2022
julia fox grocery shopping in los angeles pic.twitter.com/0ekD5EpN7r
— julia fox updates (@juliafoxsource) May 15, 2022
i saw this tiktok & it was saying how social media makes ppl faceles so you think getting 50 likes is bad, but if 50 ppl were to say they like u in person that is actually HELLA PPL
— ? (@aliyahInterlude) May 16, 2022
This is what dudes want to do all day but capitalism makes us go to work https://t.co/vJAxAZmOnE
— Rawhide Kobayashi (revoked medical license) (@RawhideKobe) May 15, 2022
Why are white people so afraid of becoming a minority? Does America treat minorities poorly or something?
— Santiago Mayer 🌻 (@santiagomayer_) May 15, 2022
I Photoshop @paddingtonbear into a movie or show until I forget: Day 432 pic.twitter.com/TSmdLxrjgO
— Jaythechou (@jaythechou) May 15, 2022
No fucking way pic.twitter.com/UHiYVekcZ6
— chuck (@mailprivilege) May 16, 2022
— Criminal Tweets (@crim_tweets_) May 15, 2022
May 16
"He's some weirdo professor from fuckin' Canada. His thing is cryin' that a piece of ass in a magazine is why we ain't gladiators in Ancient Rome anymore or some shit. Weird dude, think his brains got scrambled when his kid fed him only T bones for like eight months straight." pic.twitter.com/a7T8BUR0IO
— Jessica Ritchey (@Ruby_Stevens) May 17, 2022
The D.A.R.E program was really successful at making shirts for people who love to do drugs
— David Venhuizen (@David_Venhuizen) May 17, 2022
are you telling me a "deck" is just a powerpoint presentation
— tori anus (@firstopenlygay) May 16, 2022
I cannot stress enough that the bathtub is empty. pic.twitter.com/aH6gh4M4VG
— Casey Malone (@CaseyMalone) May 16, 2022
front facing eyes are a key indicator of a predator pic.twitter.com/hsykpoUVKm
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 16, 2022
Wow man yeah what happens then? pic.twitter.com/6TyvI133KJ
— ℮oin Higgins (@EoinHiggins_) May 16, 2022
"We want grandkids." Best I can do is write a screenplay about the childhood trauma you caused me
— Andy Compton (@andycompton_) May 16, 2022
i'm dyslexic pic.twitter.com/bVvYBCmcDP
— 🏳️⚧️ezra!♿️ (cripplepunk arc) (@ezragrimm) May 16, 2022
May 17
— Chris (@wachitororo) May 17, 2022
if this happened to one of my friends i would wear them like a cape and run around pic.twitter.com/A4aWP5p8XR
— world angel (@ipodmacbook) May 18, 2022
look. heres all im saying pic.twitter.com/CBmxpanEm8
— 𖤐 lars 𖤐 (@larsaddams) May 18, 2022
There is a lot to process with this new parental verification on my child's iPad. pic.twitter.com/OKw7fXDuXc
— Victoria Haneman (@TaxLawProf) May 18, 2022
sorry but I literally do not understand why Netflix only fired the queer and brown people. like. what are 500 straight guys named Robert gonna do to get new people signed up for the platform? You think Roberts are gonna innovate?
— Montucky Woodsnacks (@tuckwoodstock) May 17, 2022
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they're dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune. pic.twitter.com/ldfjmm5JoQ
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 17, 2022
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it's french,
— hussy (@HOSTAGEKILLER) May 18, 2022
having a crush has cured my depression! now it's anxiety's time to shine
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) May 18, 2022
A lot of parents are confused when they don't have a close relationship with their adult children who no longer depend on them financially/physically.
— Whitney Goodman, LMFT (@sitwithwhit) May 17, 2022
I see why grandma's get up at 6 am and run their errands and be back home by 9am, this shit alright.
— Tay 💕 (@prettypetitet) May 17, 2022
just had to be there pic.twitter.com/l7mfHZSvmE
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) May 17, 2022
Best court transcript I've seen all week pic.twitter.com/M2fW3oTBvw
— Jack Newsham (@TheNewsHam) May 17, 2022
customer: can i get a #3 with coke
— cory (harvard graduate) (@coolmathgame_) May 17, 2022
me: we don't sell cocaine
boss: *pulls me aside* why would u say that
me: *turning to customer* my bad, we do sell cocaine
May 18
The long time listener to first time caller pipeline
— matt (@mattybtweets69) May 18, 2022
apple car (1994) vs apple car (2022). this is not progress. pic.twitter.com/oFbpriSduA
— Harrison Lemke (@hplemke) May 18, 2022
what does it mean when this light comes on pic.twitter.com/Y03gsLmLtP
— 𝒿𝑒𝓃 (@jen222s) May 19, 2022
Dis puzzle ez af pic.twitter.com/1CFP1rXRGP
— v1nce (@v1nceNyc) May 18, 2022
Call me jordan the way she B on my peter son
— ^_^ (@Bruhsepheus) May 18, 2022
I had to zoom right in to check if this was Forrest Gump. pic.twitter.com/u6r2Wg3RDf
— SkillsMcGill (@skillsmcgill) May 18, 2022
did something terrible by accident yesterday pic.twitter.com/DUi1qdbWwP
— hil (@plume__) May 18, 2022
imagine fumbling the bag this hard pic.twitter.com/k1Vfuiazzc
— Cool Shirtz 🌈 (@coolshirtz) May 18, 2022
— Jane (@JaneOst_) May 18, 2022
Walk me through the scallop disco 'accident' & don't leave out any details pic.twitter.com/1U9yJQFdN9
— @hughkeogh (@hughkeogh) May 18, 2022
oh god he's still going pic.twitter.com/LY7koCd6WU
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 19, 2022
Is it racist if I tell Elon Musk to go back to Africa 🤔
— Ty Ross (@cooltxchick) May 19, 2022
May 19
Just as Elon Musk predicted, now that he's a Republican his political enemies are smearing him by making him pay $250,000 four years ago to settle a sexual misconduct claim
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) May 19, 2022
I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma'am ❌
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) May 20, 2022
I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma'am, would you like a horse? ✅
Me about to eat a fistful of shredded cheese at 1 am. pic.twitter.com/wZHDLvBBYf
— Ryan Asher (@Reen_Machine) May 19, 2022
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) May 19, 2022
"There's a conspiracy to make my dick small" is honestly kind of a perfect encapsulation of this moment in history https://t.co/xHcLe6gp59
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 20, 2022
We asked Ted Cruz to sign the issue of National Enquirer where Donald Trump accused his dad of killing JFK. pic.twitter.com/Wt9FUaxT86
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) May 19, 2022